I pray a ton. Not kneeling, eyes-closed kind of praying, but thought conversations. At least, I believe there is a dialogue. Most of the time, when I bring my concerns to God, I feel response. And not always the one I'm hoping or looking for- this is why I believe it's real and true.
The kids didn't want to come with me to walk the dog this morning and the quiet, lack of distraction, allowed me a chance to think and pray. Life's been full of suck lately. My inability to find a job is weighing, wearing on me. It's affecting my ability to read, to write creatively, to think positively. My whole life going forward is waiting, dependent upon this, and limbo is so tough. I just want it resolved. This hurdle jumped, this challenge overcome. And I wonder why it can't just happen. Why can't I just get a call back? Why can't I go on an interview (two, three) and be offered a job? Could this one thing please just be easy, Lord?
There's a fork in the road on my walk, and every time I approach it I consider which path to take: the short cut or the longer route with the hill. It's just a walk, but all things are metaphorical for me. The longer path requires more work, but the reward is greater. More exercise, more calories burned, more release, more time in the sun, happier dog, and eventually, a happier Kate. It's the path I almost always choose, and this morning was no different.
I felt a kind of resignation as I turned in its direction. That I will always choose to do things the hard way, even though the going through it part is so difficult, because I believe it's what I need. And as I walked I thought, "Lord, at least let me have the strength to do this." My next thought, a wave of comfort, was this: You already have it.