Friday, February 17, 2012

An Update

I haven't posted in a long time, partially because my lack of period key is still freaking me the freak out, but mostly because life has been freaking me the freak out

There's been so much change- new job, divorce, new relationship- that I've been overwhelmed, and my thoughts are somehow congealed and unable to become type-able words - I'm sure those of you who write know how frustrating that feels, not to mention the guilt associated with not working on a project - It's difficult for me to forgive myself for being so unproductive, and allow myself the break - While I recognize that single-parenting and working full time is not really taking a break, I miss having a story, miss feeling like a part of the writing community, miss creating

I haven't had the energy

I do now, and it comes from anger - Not the most healthy inspiration, but certainly a driver

I came home from work yesterday to find a package from my mortgage company - My ex-husband and I requested a mortgage modification a year ago - We were approved, and were told to stop paying our mortgage, that The Company would analyze our financials and come back to us in July with a more affordable payment - July turned into August, turned into September, and on - We were told that everything was fine, that the application was still being processed, and we'd be notified when everything was finalized

Yesterday - I opened the package, terrified of what was inside - I was right to be terrified - My mortgage payment had been reduced by $100 a month, and the payments I hadn't made in a year (which should have been only 5 months) were added onto my loan - I now owe $20,000 more on my home- $40,000 more than it is worth in this market - I still cannot afford the payment

I'm pissed, and I'm scared - I'm not sure what will happen going forward - I'm going to try for another modification, request that The Company will review their decision based on my single-parent income - Still, my first mortgage payment is due March 1, and I have to pay it - Thankfully, I have my tax return to tap into, but it won't last long - I find myself thinking of worst-case scenarios, wondering what I'll do, where I'll go with my three kids if my home is foreclosed on, hating that it'll disrupt their lives, hating that The Company couldn't do any better than a $100 reduction