Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Letting go.

I love highway driving. It's one of my favorite activities, the stretch of road, the high speed. My favorite music playing, the sound of wind against the car, but otherwise quiet. I don't talk when I drive because that's when I do my best thinking.

I drove to pick up the kids on Sunday. Two hours alone in the car to process. And I did. I ran through a ton of shit: what I'd done over the last two weeks, the concerts I'd gone to, the friends I'd seen, the freedom I'd felt and wholly enjoyed. I thought about my relationships with my friends and family, how they've been so supportive of me through my struggles with the separation/divorce, and have lifted me higher than I could lift myself right now.

But mostly I worried about my job prospects. I do enjoy working (I'm a Virgo and a firstborn- it's my nature), but the search freaks me the fuck out. It overwhelms me. I have no idea what to do, where to start, and I freeze, deer in the headlights. I have a Bachelors in nothing in particular, ten years experience in retail management, and no desire to work retail. Or sales. Or at a desk (I can't sit still for long periods of time). I want to write. I want to own my cafe. But those aren't even options right now. So where do I even start? The job I was interviewing for was so ideal in hours/pay/activity, I honestly thought it was that One Good Thing in the midst of all this other drama. The thing that goes right when everything else is going wrong. But as time went on and I didn't hear back, and didn't hear back, my hope dwindled.

So I was driving Sunday and wondering what I would do when I did hear back and they said "no." And I was freaking out because to stay in the house I need to earn a certain salary, but those job options are either sales or retail, which would require lots of work in a field I'm not passionate about, and long/inconsistent hours. Which was exactly why I left Starbucks in the first place, and why the hell would I step back like that when the point of life is forward motion? I mean, I get compromise, and I get the idea of getting by, but I hate to think that these last years of stress and growth would bring me right back where I started. *insert scream here*

And then, in a moment of clarity, Satori as one of my twitter friends suggested, it occurred to me: all this stress to keep the house, do I really need to keep the house?

And I realized I don't. I like my house. I love the neighborhood, the bike trail I run every day, the field and park directly outside my back door, our amazing neighbors. But I can run anywhere. And there are other parks. And good people exist everywhere. My close friends won't change just because I've moved. The house, at this point, is an anchor. Tying us to a spot, holding us in place, weighing us down. And we don't need it. It's time to let go.

It's the most relief I've felt in weeks. Now, instead of the fury of trying to figure out how to make everything work in the constructs that already existed, I'm free to build it anew. There is possibility again. And not saying that it won't still be a struggle, because life is struggle long and short, but I'm okay with that. Because at least it will be a new challenge, and not working at the same problem and hoping for a different result.

xo. kb.


  1. Note: I got the email saying "No" yesterday. Standard form rejection, not unlike from an agent on a ms. ;)
    I did freak out. Cried. Felt despair. But this morning I'm better. I'm reminded me that I need to soldier on.

  2. Oh, honey. That sucks. But remember, where God/Odin/whoever closes a door, he slams it shut on your fingers, and then you jump around for a while and look for a band-aid, and then you open the window and chip a nail, and then a bat flies in and gets in your hair, and then you write about it, and then one day it makes a really funny story because everything is fine again.

  3. Delilah, I wrote a post about high diving, the importance of taking a leap of faith even when it terrifies you. I realize now that you jump, you land funny, and you break your ankle. You hobble around on crutches for a while, but your bone heals or maybe is now made of titanium and you're bionic, which is so much better anyway.