Not gonna lie, my life is in an uproar. A thousand different personal tragedies swirling around and I feel their weight like wearing a lead vest while trying to swim upstream. I'm afloat, but it's a struggle.
Simply stated, S and I are divorcing. We've agreed to keep the details to ourselves, so I won't be talking about any specifics, but I will say that this is a stressful and trying time for both of us. Obviously.
Everyone handles grief differently. I'm not a crier- it's just not a thing that I do- but I was able to get out a good alcohol-induced, cathartic sob-fest last night. It's amazing how drunk you can get on two glasses of cheap red wine if all you've eaten is a granola bar. Seriously, if money's tight that's the way to go. Anyway, body-buckling, mascara-smearing, audible sobs on the kitchen floor last night and I felt some relief. Enough to gain a little clarity and to know that I can handle shit. Now I will cocoon.
I've deactivated my facebook account and deleted all my twitter apps. I can't handle the busy, the stream of noise. I need to quietly reflect and focus on what's going on in my life, because it's kind of a big deal. Not saying that I don't want to keep in touch with people, because I very much need support right now, but I need it on a personal and private level. Which is why I'm blogging about it, yeah I get the contradiction. I'm rolling my own eyes at myself. (Although I argue that without posting a link on social media, maybe two people total will read this anyway). But the blog is my outlet, a place for me to collect my thoughts and share. It's in me to reach out, and it's important that I do.
So yes, I'm dealing in my own way by over-listening to Band of Horses (don't judge), vulnerable blogging, dressing like a dirty hipster, and embracing my inner, non-cutting, emo girl. It's fine. No, for real, it'll be fine. I've got some turmoil, I have some challenges (like figuring out the perfect proportion of coffee for an 8-cup pot because I can't drink 12 alone), and I have some fear and sadness. But I'm fairly sure all this is normal.
And I'm certain I'll emerge stronger. Just watch me. In the meantime, please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. We need them. And don't hesitate to contact me. A few of you have my email/phone info. It would be nice to know that even though I'm on hiatus, I'm not forgotten.
Listening to: Band of Horses (obvs)