Blank first pages or allowing the mess.

I throw little pieces of me into my writing, sample-sized quirks to add to my characters' dimension, their realness.

The spoon thing from my "First Page" post is totally me. I can't choose silverware, a writing utensil, or a coffee mug without spending an extended period of time analyzing which one feels like the right choice. (Side note: Do not let me pick things for you, I'm on a wrong mug kick.) Other ridiculous quirks that I've so generously given to my characters: Eliza cries on the kitchen floor, Jess pairs each person in her life with their own song, and Amanda journals in notebooks but always leaves the first page blank.

It's that last one I'm thinking about this morning. I have a collection of notebooks. It's like when I worked for Starbucks and people always gave me coffee mugs, once they find out I write they give me a blank notebook. It's a nice gift, and they're all really great paper (thick) with lovely covers. Problem is, I can't bring myself to write in them. When I write on my computer I can change my mind, delete, add, and the page is still clean. Not the case on paper. Every scratch off, every ^ and added word or phrase is a blight. I'm so bad about this, I write out my thoughts on scratch paper first, then copy the final version in my notebook using my best pen and my best handwriting. And the first page itself is the worst, because it sets the tone for the notebook. That first page needs to be brilliant and how can it be? What's significant enough to go on that first page? I end up leaving it blank because I just can't seem to live up to its expectation.

Yeah, I know.

The thing is, I'm trying to change. I took a baby step this morning and wrote out a first draft of what is either a poem or song lyrics (which I suck at generally, but this isn't bad) in my nicest notebook. Yeah, I used a new pen and my neatest penmanship, but I also added a word and scratched off a misspelling. So progress, right? And how's this: once I finish, I'll post it. If it stays a poem, I'll take a picture of it all messy and put that up. If I can turn it into a song, I'll take a chance at looking like a fool and post a video of me performing it. How unVirgo-like of me! (Who has two thumbs and high dives all the time now? *waves thumbs at self* This girl.)

Listening to: St. Vincent "Landmines" on repeat

xo. kb.