Things I don't know.

I've had a lot of weird experiences of knowing things before/as they happen. I've written about this before. I dreamed of my mom dying the minute she died, knew it would happen my entire childhood, which btw is a creepy thing to grow up with, okay? Anyhoo. I know who's calling when the phone rings. Can think of a person and they'll text or call. I know which couples will last and which will fail, know who's dating but keeping it a secret, and can match-make like you wouldn't believe.

Most of these things I keep to myself. Not going to lie, because I'd hate to be wrong in front of someone. But usually I'm not. And there are some things I know and don't share because I only have a vague idea of its importance, or I have a hunch and just don't want to jinx it. Yeah, I'm superstitious like that.

But there are some things I just don't know.

Like lottery numbers. And even if I did, I wouldn't share that because I believe in fair. Also money makes you crazy.
Like if The Jealous Sound will actually ever finish that album that we've been waiting for since the Got Friends EP came out, which they said would be done in March. It's freaking May, fellows. Just in case you weren't aware.
Like which book of mine is going to be the one that freaks out and becomes important. (Although I have a strong suspicion it will be WCP. But then again JALR is so dear to me, and ATW is so sad, yet inspirational, and LIP, not lip, is so gray and wonderful...)
Like how is this going divorce shit going to work out? Will we hate each other forever? Can we co-parent successfully? Will we always embody this bitterness and will it spill all over everything else? Can you move on? Will you let me?

I wish I knew it all. I wish I could say that that album comes out in June and everyone loves Natalie and S and I stop fighting tomorrow. But I don't know that. There's this beautiful line in an Indigo Girls song. "I said to you the one gift which I'd adore, the package of the next ten years all unfolding. But you told me if I had my way I'd be bored." So true. Part of the joy, the excitement, the nervous anticipation of life is that, hunches aside, there's no actual way of knowing what or how things will happen next. And maybe that's a good thing. Maybe knowing ahead of time takes away from the experience. Like mourning my mother my entire childhood, rather than just when I was eighteen and she got sick. I missed her before she was gone. And in missing her, I missed out on living with her. Maybe not knowing exactly the end result makes it this wonderful surprise. This beautiful unfolding I couldn't, in my wildest dreams, imagine.

Listening to: my Jeremy Enigk playlist.

xo. kb.

In which I share the personal and private.

Not gonna lie, my life is in an uproar. A thousand different personal tragedies swirling around and I feel their weight like wearing a lead vest while trying to swim upstream. I'm afloat, but it's a struggle.

Simply stated, S and I are divorcing. We've agreed to keep the details to ourselves, so I won't be talking about any specifics, but I will say that this is a stressful and trying time for both of us. Obviously.

Everyone handles grief differently. I'm not a crier- it's just not a thing that I do- but I was able to get out a good alcohol-induced, cathartic sob-fest last night. It's amazing how drunk you can get on two glasses of cheap red wine if all you've eaten is a granola bar. Seriously, if money's tight that's the way to go. Anyway, body-buckling, mascara-smearing, audible sobs on the kitchen floor last night and I felt some relief. Enough to gain a little clarity and to know that I can handle shit. Now I will cocoon.

I've deactivated my facebook account and deleted all my twitter apps. I can't handle the busy, the stream of noise. I need to quietly reflect and focus on what's going on in my life, because it's kind of a big deal. Not saying that I don't want to keep in touch with people, because I very much need support right now, but I need it on a personal and private level. Which is why I'm blogging about it, yeah I get the contradiction. I'm rolling my own eyes at myself. (Although I argue that without posting a link on social media, maybe two people total will read this anyway). But the blog is my outlet, a place for me to collect my thoughts and share. It's in me to reach out, and it's important that I do.

So yes, I'm dealing in my own way by over-listening to Band of Horses (don't judge), vulnerable blogging, dressing like a dirty hipster, and embracing my inner, non-cutting, emo girl. It's fine. No, for real, it'll be fine. I've got some turmoil, I have some challenges (like figuring out the perfect proportion of coffee for an 8-cup pot because I can't drink 12 alone), and I have some fear and sadness. But I'm fairly sure all this is normal.

And I'm certain I'll emerge stronger. Just watch me. In the meantime, please keep my family in your thoughts and prayers. We need them. And don't hesitate to contact me. A few of you have my email/phone info. It would be nice to know that even though I'm on hiatus, I'm not forgotten.

Listening to: Band of Horses (obvs)

xo.kb.