I'm writing again.

I don't think you guys have met Amanda yet. I'm going to be spending some quality time with her, so I'll introduce you...

MONDAY, MARCH 8
Our alarm goes off at two. It’s an early flight. Thankfully, all the equipment has been shipped already, so we only have to worry about getting Jeff to the airport on time. This is why the alarm is set for two, so I can wake Jeff up, take my shower, come back and give him a kiss and another reminder, get dressed, give him a little shake, go make coffee, come back and yell, “Okay! Enough of this! Get out of bed!” to which he will moan, “Fine Mom,” and get up.
And this is very similar to how things actually occur, except that instead of yelling, because I’m feeling sad, I sit down on the bed next to him and run my hand down his naked body. Jeff’s eyes open.
“Do we have time?”
I check the clock. “Quickly,” I reply, and climb into bed beside him.
I have never known anyone with such an insatiable appetite for sex. I’m pretty slutty, as far as girls go, but it took me a good while to be able to keep up with Jeff. I suspect it’s similar to any other kind of training. Like eating competitively. Or running marathons. I have become a machine capable of achieving multiple orgasms and surviving on limited nighttime sleep and catnaps. I wonder now, if I will atrophy with him being gone.
We are not quick. I don’t think either of us can be. I take the time to run my hands over him, to etch in my mind the feeling of his body and how it feels against mine. Jeff is on top of me, and I have my legs wrapped around him. He props himself up on his elbows so he can hold my face, and kisses me continuously. It’s love we are making, and it feels both tender and tragic. Like goodbye. Which it is, but not forever, I remind myself.

Research

If research were a Transformer it would be named Distractionator, but it would be an Autobot because it's totally necessary and good.

NaNo. *Sigh* If you've been reading along on my blog, you know that I already have my songs and lyrics, and have created something of a poem to lead me. As of a few days ago, I have my characters named (purposefully) and am now writing little blurbs and summaries of each chapter. Generally I do this as I go, but with the goal of 2000 words a day and the estimated chapter size of 4600 words, I'm feeling like it'd be best to have something to work with ahead of time. So I can finish. And so I can celebrate Thanksgiving without excessive guilt and freaking out.

Anyway, I'm planning Chapter 1 and my MC (Laurel- $5 for real if you can guess what/why) has Bunco plans for her Friday night. (Because she's a suburban mom and that's what a lot of suburban moms do one Friday night a month.) I actually have never played Bunco, but I understand it uses dice and a ton of wine must be involved. So now I have to look up Bunco and figure out how to play. And I'm considering hosting a party one night this month so I can see how it plays out. Or you could just invite me to your Bunco night and I'll bring a bottle. Whichever.

So I'm only in Chapter 1 planning and already totally distracted, and it reminds me of all the research I've done for past novels. With JALR I was all up in Millennium Park, the Shedd Aquarium, and running.

WCP had me researching dresses, dresses, and more dresses. And baseball. The story takes place during the 2003 NLCS/ALCS and World Series. I now know more than I should about those games/series. Truly. Want to see my notes?


ATW takes place mostly in MC Amanda's condo, so I had to do Chicago neighborhood and housing research (and am still getting listing emails), then had to figure out how the condo's interior looked. I spent an entire morning drawing a rough sketch.

And then I had to decorate, so spent over an hour looking at Persian rugs. I found the perfect one, and at a deal. Amanda was so proud of me.

It's a huge time-consumer, but I think that the extra research I do as a writer makes me more able to see my character's world. I want to understand how she lives. And I want my readers (all two of you) to be able to experience it as well. Just like you're there, like you've fallen into a Pensieve and are watching, rather than reading words on a page.

Listening to: my NaNo playlist

xo. kb.

Method Writing.

I read somewhere that James Dean would so go into his character that he, when playing a drunken, would fool his cast mates and crew into thinking he was really inebriated. I also read that Bjork, following completion of DANCER IN THE DARK, was so absorbed by her character that she vowed never to act again. It had broken her heart. I love this idea, of being so entrenched in your character that you become them. It's something I do every time I write a book.

I didn't set out intending to write this way. Frankly, I never actually set out to write, I just sat down one day and began writing. With my first novel, it was easy for me to write as though I was my main character. JUST A LITTLE RAIN is a very fictionalized, semi-autobiographical novel. It's not all me, but it's enough me that I *got* Eliza right from the get-go. I never had to ask myself, "How would she behave in this situation?" or "How does she feel about this?" or "What things does she notice when she looks at the world?" I just thought about how I would see, feel, and react, then wrote it.

WHERE CURRENTS PULL was more difficult for me to get into, because my intention with that novel was to tackle a problematic area of my own personality (my inability to make big decisions, and my near-obsession with the small ones), but to assign it to a character who was very much not me. I found myself writing in Eliza's voice for a while, before I realized I had to change my approach for Natalie. I changed the music I was using to write to, and thought long and hard about her voice. Natalie spoke in run-on sentences; she began sentences with "So" and "And" a lot. She over-explained and over-thought everything. She was detail-oriented to the point of being either annoying or charmingly strange.
The more into her character I got, the more I behaved like Natalie. I started dressing in dresses exclusively just like Nat, started talking long, noticed all the small details of everything around me, appreciated sparkly things (not vampires) and the color blue, and- even more weird- developed a very easy, breezy attitude with life. Actually, I was probably the happiest I've been in a long time when I was writing Natalie, just because she's, generally, a very happy person.

Then we get to ABOVE THE WAVES. When I started on this novel, I already had it in my mind that I become my characters as I write. I found Amanda a specific playlist (which was difficult- I wrote a blog about it some long time ago), and set out to discover her. Amanda's a tough one, because she starts out this totally confident, dry, and hot girl. When I wrote the beginning, I curled my hair in waves every day, exercised twice a day, and limited my drinking. As the writing progressed, Amanda devolves into a huge mess of depression. So did I. It wasn't specifically intentional, but when you're trying to understand how a character will behave when she's feeling that way, you have to tap into something. It's interesting, because I imagined her depression to be this heavy sadness, but it didn't end up that way at all. She(we) felt a general numbness to the world, interspersed with fits of anger. Actually, it really worked for her character and, I think, was tons more authentic than weepiness would have been.

*It didn't work very well for me, however, and I'm finding it very difficult to break away from Amanda. I guess it doesn't help that the story doesn't end all rainbows and unicorns.*

Anyway, I wonder if other writers do this? I mean, I know I'm a weirdo, but there have to be more of us out there, right?

Listening to: Mates Of State "Re-Arrange Us" again. I'm a Tuesday, remember?

xo. kb.

Every book needs a playlist.

I wrote recently that I wanted to go back and rewrite JUST A LITTLE RAIN. Last night I got the BIG IDEA! I figured out how it's going to start. It's perfect, and I'm excited to write. The only problem- I've been inside Amanda's head for so long, and before that Nat's, I don't know if I remember what Eliza sounds like in the first person. The best way for me to get to know her again is to listen to her music.

Every MS I've written has its own playlist. Each character I write has their special songs, or songs that I listened to on repeat while I was writing her book to help me set the tone. So I put on her playlist. Except it was a big mess, full of songs that didn't really follow the story well, or that were so overplayed that I can't stand them anymore.

It needed editing. And since I was going to refine it, I had to go ahead and complete the other two as well, because I couldn't leave them unfinished. It's taken me all morning, but I think they're ready. I'll share them with you now. Get excited!

JUST A LITTLE RAIN
Rain Song- Sunny Day Real Estate
Red House- Shudder To Think
Wouldn't It Be Nice- The Beach Boys
Unravel- Bjork
Lover, You Should Have Come Over- Jeff Buckley
Tearing In My Heart- Sunny Day Real Estate
Buildings & Mountains- The Republic Tigers
Transatlanticism- Death Cab For Cutie
Carry The Zero- Built To Spill
Run- Amy MacDonald
Rhinoceros- Smashing Pumpkins
Ghosts- Sleeping At Last
Tatseo Show- Jeremy Enigk
Big Jumps- Emiliana Torrini
Just Like Heaven- The Cure
The Rain Song- Led Zeppelin

WHERE CURRENTS PULL
Chocolate- Shudder To Think
Kool Thing- Sonic Youth
Theo B- Sunny Day Real Estate
Anxious Arms- The Jealous Sound
Positive Bleeding- Urge Overkill
Head Over Heels- Tears For Fears
In The Garage- Weezer
Martha My Dear- The Beatles
From A Balance Beam- Bright Eyes
How Soon Is Now?- The Smiths
Abigail Anne- Jeremy Enigk
Broad Shoulders- The Jealous Sound
Gigantic- The Pixies
Falling For You- Weezer
You Were Right- Built To Spill
Learning To Fly- Pink Floyd
Currents- Sleeping At Last

ABOVE THE WAVES
Coat Check Dream Song- Bright Eyes
Abandon! Abandon!- The Jealous Sound
Growing Old Is Getting Old- Silversun Pickups
Save Me from What I Want- St. Vincent
Something Of An End- My Brightest Diamond
A Dream For Us- The Appleseed Cast
Cannons- Jeremy Enigk
I'll Never Leave You- Rogue Wave
Burning Photographs- Ryan Adams
Wish You Were Here- Pink Floyd
Creature Fear- Bon Iver
A Skeleton Of Something More- Sleeping At Last
Cubism Dream- Local Natives
Ahead Of The Curve- Monsters Of Folk
My Life Is At Home- The Promise Ring
Bowl of Oranges- Bright Eyes
Above the Waves- The Jealous Sound

Sometimes you just need to change your perspective.

The kids are away for the week, visiting my aunt. I've been looking forward to this since, well, since they came home from her house earlier this summer. It's not that I don't love my kids, but if you have them, you know it's difficult to get anything accomplished when they're around. And I'm an accomplisher girl. Play's fun and all, but I have all sorts of guilt that I'm not writing/cleaning/baking/reorganizing the garage. Yeah, I'm a Virgo. You guessed, right?

So I'm very excited to have a whole week, almost entirely uninterrupted (started new job Sunday, but still training), to write. As you all know, it's August already, and for those of you #write2theend-ers that means our deadline is quickly approaching. This means a lot of work for me, because my book, no matter how much I seem to write, seems to be stuck in the rut of being 2/3s complete.

Gah!

It's a difficult book to write. My MC Amanda has a serious problem with depression, and, as I use the technique of "Method Writing," I have to get into her psyche when I write. The spot I'm in right now is that kind of depression where you feel exhausted, but can't sleep. Where you're hungry, but nothing sounds good. Where you have a lot to do, but can't seem to bring yourself to get any of it done. And I'm trying to write this. I'm dying.

I'm a huge fan of, if you can't see the solution, then look at the problem from a different direction. So I decided to try for a new approach. I decided to write the end. Okay, not the end end, but the scene before the last scene. I've actually had to do this with the two books before ATW, and it's always brought me clarity and helped propel me to the finish. Because it tells me exactly where I'm going, and I want to see how it unfolds.

Of course, deciding to write the end and actually writing it are two different things. I sat down a gazillion times with nothing, tried taking the dog for a walk, then a run, then a bath to clear my mind, all to no avail. I started to feel the disappointment. The irritation that I have a whole week at my disposal and will end with nothing to show for it. Then Monday night happened.

I read THE HUNGER GAMES by Suzanne Collins last week. It's one of those books that sucks you in, and you find yourself at 2am and finished, then up again in the morning with it still in your mind. I guess I loved it a little. I was super excited to read CATCHING FIRE, the sequel, but told myself I'd wait until I finished my first draft. Well, with first draft stunted, I decided to go out and buy the book. I started reading as soon as I got home, curious to see how she would follow THG, and immediately thrilled to see that she followed it with absolute awesomeness. I took a brief break to watch the band MENOMENA on Jimmy Fallon (they killed btw), then went back to the book. I was finished by one and went right to my computer.

I suppose if/when my book is published, I should thank Suzanne Collins in the acknowledgments for helping me out. All this stuck in a rut of un-feeling was bogging me down. The emotional intensity between Peeta and Katniss, Katniss and Gale really inspired me to write the scene ATW needed. I put on my Jeremy Enigk playlist (my equivalent of duct tape music- good for anything I need), sat and wrote, barely noticing the clock (except at 1:11, 2:22, 3:33, and 4:44 so I could make wishes) until the scene was complete. Five pages later, at five o'clock in the morning it was done.

I went to bed, got three hours of sleep, then was up yesterday looking it over. I won't say it's perfect, but the meat is there. The best news, though, is that I'm now back into the book. Emotionally invested. I went back to my original file, and was able to write over a thousand words and move the story along. And I'm looking forward to what I'll accomplish today.

It's a good place.

Listening to: Local Natives "Gorilla Manor"

xo. kb.

In the thick and figuring it out.

I joined a group on Twitter. #write2theend. A bunch of us are committed to finishing our WIP by August 31. This was my original goal, but it's nice to have a common goal and a cheering section. It's also good to have that kind of accountability. While I don't have trouble with self-imposed deadlines, this SOLID GOAL has forced me to evaluate where exactly I am in the book and how much more I should be writing. Because, if allowed, I would write one story forever and ever (as you know if you've read the first few versions of JALR).

So I checked word count (something I never do) and ABOVE THE WAVES is about 2/3 complete. I need to keep the rest under 30K words. For me this is tough, wordy girl that I am. But okay. I sat down and committed to diving into the heart of the story. No more messing around. No more setting the tone. As Flight Of The Concords would say, "It's business time." And it's worked.

I'm into the book. Immersed. I am writing and writing, spilling guts and emotionally exhausting myself, crying along with my character, and generally absorbed in the story. It's the most fun.

It's also the most challenging.

It's challenging because this is the point where the book becomes itself, it takes on life. It's not always the life I had anticipated.

I am not an outline writer. I am not a synopsis first, query first writer. I know everyone says you should be. That it keeps you focused and on the path. Yeah, that's just not for me. I begin each book with a premise and a main character. Generally I have a good idea of the ending, just not the specifics. I write and allow it to unfold on its own.

It works for me. But it can be tough at times. Like now, for instance. I'm in the thick of the story and, surprise! One of my minor characters has blown up and become a huge deal in the life of my MC, Amanda. I didn't see it coming at all, but now that it's here, it's so right. The only thing is, now I have to figure out how to resolve his story in a way that makes sense for my ending. Because I know where that is, and he's not there.

I'm not worried. I have a couple options floating through my head and I'm taking a crap ton of notes. I'll figure this out. (Gah, and in less than 30K~ insert grimace here.) In the meantime, I have a steady diet of running, coffee, wine, music and naps. My poor kids have a steady diet of TV, mac and cheese, and chicken nuggets. The house is an unholy mess and something smells. I don't think it's me, but I won't bet against it.

Listening to: Knapsack "This Conversation Is Ending Starting Right Now"
~BTW, you are not allowed to tease me because I listen to the same things over and over~

xo. kb.

Music and writing.

I write to music. Actually, I do almost everything to music. When I was younger, I used to wish life was like a constant musical, or a movie and there could be a soundtrack playing at all times. Kind of like on Ally McBeal, where everyone had their own theme song, or in Dancer In The Dark where songs just erupt from the every day. It's now possible for me to do this. I have a good chunk of music on my iPhone, which goes with me everywhere, and I almost have the iPod function on.

So I am just slightly obsessed with music. It's not a big deal. It's not like it hurts anyone.

But I know that some writers need absolute silence to formulate thoughts, while some need the TV in the background. Some people can't write to music, but need it to edit. I need the TV off, the kids away or asleep, and the music quietly on. And the artist I listen to has to be just right. This is a very big deal for me. I have had a muse for each book. Each one has been different, maybe based on the tone of the character.

JUST A LITTLE RAIN was written exclusively to my Jeremy Enigk playlist, which includes all his solo work, Sunny Day Real Estate, and The Fire Theft. I'd start my writing day by picking a song to begin with, then shuffle through the rest.

When I started WHERE CURRENTS PULL, I started with the old JE playlist, thinking it good luck, but I found I couldn't get into my new character Natalie. Everything I wrote sounded like Eliza. I tried switching to Pete Yorn, because I'd recently seen him in concert and he looked just like my vision of Sawyer, which blew my mind. But his music wasn't right either. It took a while to find my muse, and happened unexpectedly, as usual. Every time Panic Switch came on the radio, my kids and I would freak out. So I downloaded the song. Then all the Silversun Pickups albums. (Legally, because artists should get paid for their work.) The book and character came easily to me then, and I wrote the rest to the SSPU playlist, this time not on shuffle, but in song order, album order. Although, the last chapter (that furious writing that comes at the end when you both want to see it come together and hate to see it over) was written to a mix. Matt & Kim, Monsters Of Folk, Pete Yorn, The Promise Ring, The Republic Tigers, the sea and cake, Shudder To Think, SSPU, Sleeping At Last, SDRE, Tegan and Sara, Timbaland, White Rabbits. I listened to that mix on repeat until I finished. It was a couple days, I remember, but the music didn't get stale. It was like a cheering section.

ABOVE THE WAVES has proven to be difficult. I've tried a number of bands that have worked for a while, but not enough to keep me going for the long haul. I started with SSPU, which was no good for Amanda at all. I still love the band, but they don't work for her. I have used the following bands: The Appleseed Cast, Local Natives, Bon Iver, Band Of Skulls. To no avail. But I think I've found what I'm looking for. I have two playlists I've been alternating between and, between them (and my JE playlist, which I use for times I'm feeling stuck because it's uplifting to me in the way Gospel music is for church-types), they're doing the job pretty freaking well.

Playlist 1: The Jealous Sound/Knapsack. Reasons: I love Blair Shehan's voice (which is why I include Knapsack, because TJS doesn't have enough music out there- *finish that new album, boys*), but the band is so fantastic. Energetic, and interesting. Emotional and thoughtful lyrics. Oh, and the fact that I named the book after one of their songs. Yep, love them.

Playlist 2: A Conor Oberst collection. It came to me either in the middle of the night or in a dream, I can't remember. But when you wake thinking of something, I find it's best to hold onto that thought because it's poignant. The something that hit me was the song "Bowl Of Oranges," and I knew I had to reference Bright Eyes in this book. Amanda has a Conor Oberst obsession, and now I do as well. This is a good thing.

Listening to: Playlist 2

xo. kb.