It was a tumultuous last week. Few weeks. Month. Year. Years. But definitely the last week. *Deep breath* *Shakes head* Rough. Like everything around me spinning out of control, nothing pinned down, all of life up in the air like some destructive F5. Through this I am mom-ing and working, trying to maintain some kind of normalcy for the kids. I've been doing a lot of exercising (3-4 times a day), not eating, not sleeping/only wanting to sleep, over tweeting/boycotting social media... I'm pretty sure this is normal.
But it's difficult. I hate the messy phases of life, when it's all dark tunnel and you have to trust that there's a light and an end somewhere. Trust isn't a comfortable place. It's lonely and terrifying and requires complete submission. But I'm doing it anyway because that trust, that faith, that hopefulness is all I have right now.
The optimist in me screams that things will turn out exactly as they should. I'm holding onto that. I had a conversation with a friend the other day, and we discussed life in the context of God's Plan. We agreed that just because we don't know what The Plan is, doesn't mean It doesn't exist. St. Vincent's Annie Clark said something similar in her song "Laughing With A Mouth of Blood." I can't see the future, but I know it's got big plans for me. I like to believe that's true.
In the meantime, I'm moving forward. I have an interview tomorrow. I have my own checking account. I've started writing again. And I have an amazing group of friends, some of which I know only through Twitter (a testimony to the goodness of people), who are supporting me with kind and encouraging words, and by listening to me when I need to vent. Thank you girls, by the way. You do me more good than I could express.
Listening to: Florence & The Machine