Wednesday, May 25, 2011

A letter I sent.

My dad died two years ago yesterday. It's funny, because I didn't even think about it. I mean, I had a conversation with my brother about the fact that Dad had died on the 24th and my brother said he had set up a notification on his phone, and it didn't even occur to me that it was actually the 24th. Like that date was just some date that would happen in the near future, and all I knew was it was Tuesday and I had to work.

I don't get time very well.

And I kinda hate that I don't remember that date like I remember other dates. My mom died Sept. 16, my grandma Mar. 8, my great uncle, whom I never met, died on Sept. 11, my brother's 12th birthday and four days before I was born. I feel like I'm disrespecting my father by not remembering the exact date, because he totally would have. My dad could conjugate verbs in the Spanish he learned in high school. He remembered people's first and last names and read biographies for fun. He also told the dirtiest jokes I've ever heard, let me drink if I was staying home, swore like a goddamn sailor, and ate all the Halloween candy before the big day. One year we honest to God hid on the kitchen floor from the trick-or-treaters.

I miss him.

So in honor or memory or both of my father, I wrote a long-ass letter to my step-mom. We had a major falling-out after he died and haven't spoken since. I'm not going into all the details here, but will say this: she chose not to have a funeral for my father and respecting that wish has been a real hardship for me. Still, I hate this feeling of ???. I don't know how she's doing, if she's well or ill, if she had to go back to work, if she ever painted the cabinets in her kitchen. And she doesn't know anything about the kids that I know she loved (loves?) or what I'm up to (drama, ha!) and that's just stupid. So yeah, I wrote her a letter. It was mostly one of those Christmas update letters you get, but I hope funnier with side notes about how GG's teeth are coming in like a jack-o-lantern, and how FB gets letters sent home from his teacher because he skips and can't just walk, and how MG sounds like Miss Piggy when she yells, "HI-YAH!" and how I'm called the "Email Queen" at work because no one says no to me when I ask for theirs.

I hope she still has the same email address. I hope she responds. I'd hate to continue my life feeling resentment or even just unfinished business. Certainly our relationship has changed, but I'd hate to think that it's over.

Listening to: the rain

xo. kb.

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