Friday, May 27, 2011

"If I am lost it's only for a little while."

Yesterday was bad. An emotionally bad day, my thoughts bleak and despairing. If I my mood was a picture it would be a landscape, a prairie in the dead of winter. No snow, just overcast and frozen ground and cold. And it worsened as the day progressed, like standing out in the cold and taking off layers of clothes. By 10:30 I was spiritually stripped and called the day. Called the next day. Vowed to spend Friday wallowing.

Then I woke up this morning and the sun was shining. The world is green outside my windows. I kinda hate it. Because rainy days expect nothing of you. Of course you stay inside, holed up in a bed, on a couch. Snuggled in a blanket, drinking a mug of something warm. But the sun comes out and it points its finger at you and says, "Do something. Enjoy this day." And I don't always want to. Sometimes I just want to be sad. I want to wrap my misery around me and let it define me, and that feels wrong when the happiness of light is shining through the cracks of the curtains.

I begrudgingly got up to let out the dog and make coffee, and stopped at my computer to check my email. Amid the groupon,, borders rewards crap was an actual email. From my stepmother. The subject line read: I'm here! And my heart stopped for a moment. It was a long email. Like scroll and scroll and scroll and scroll. And it told me all about what was going on with her, how she'd lost her father a year ago, how her mother had gotten ill and she'd had to move in with her for four months, how she'd gotten into a car accident. All these things I missed. Didn't support her through. And I guess it's mutual, because she's missed all these things in my life and feels just awful about it. But overall, the note was positive. She wants to be in my life. I want her in it, too.

I was so angry with life yesterday. So consumed with discouragement and the injustice of it all. And I said a prayer. Asked for just one good thing to happen, to give me hope that things will be okay.

So now I'm looking at this beautiful sunny day, at that email one more time, and thinking that I've been blessed with two good things. I won't be doing much wallowing today. Life is moving forward, and I'd hate to miss this ride because I'm moping on the couch.

Listening to: Band Of Horses. Probably for a while.

xo. kb.


  1. I bet you can find more than two good things. :)
    Still, I'm glad you are having a day of sunshine and peace. Make it a delightful weekend.


  2. Lola,
    I'm sure I could if I looked. Sometimes you just need a big thing to catch your attention. A billboard reminder. Apparently an email is my huge sign. I'll take it.
    Thanks Lola.