Thursday, October 29, 2009

So much for taking a break.

I vowed yesterday, after obsessively checking my email, twitter, facebook, myspace, to take a day off. No updates, no peaking, no computer except to write. As you can see, I'm failing miserably. To be fair, I haven't done any of the above. Okay, so I checked my email, but just once. Twice. Whatever, it's not a big deal.

But I've decided that creating a blog is not really breaking my vow. Because I'm giving myself the opportunity to be creative or just honest in a different venue. It's like I'm journaling, just on the computer in an effort to be more green.

I have an insane desire, maybe compulsion, to share. To communicate even if no one is listening. And so to no one at all, I will share this. It has been a year of change and self-revelation for me. I have realized that I have immersed myself in a world I can't stand to be in. Like, jump in the deep end even though you can't swim immersed. And I am trying to figure out how to tread water.

I used to write. Like short stories and poetry writing in high school. And then in college I grew to love writing essays. And then post college happened, I got married and had kids and forgot that I could write. Hell, I forgot about music for a few years too. I think of it as my dark ages. Well, a light came on around 30 for me. Maybe it was the fear of being old and hoping that it wasn't really true. Anyway, I started reading obsessively, downloading music like crazy, and, last September, writing compulsively. Like I couldn't even stop it from happening. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat. I just had to get it out. It was like giving birth.

The book is me. About first experiences and the excitement of life. About tragedy and how it can change everything in your world. It's about compromising your dreams because it's what you think adults have to do. It's about waking up and realizing that your life is yours. That although we can't control it all, we can control some. And that the trouble we deal with is somehow worthwhile. A chance to learn and grow.

So the thing about writing a book is that it has to have an ending. And so I wrote one. The most hopeful ending I could think of, while still trying to be honest. Life's not easy, and everything doesn't end up tied in pretty paper with a lovely bow. But maybe sometimes good things happen. And maybe for me as well. And so I hope that, although I can't see my own ending, it will be worth the trouble.

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